The answer is that somewhere along the way I forgot to value myself, so much so that I have great difficulty putting energy into things that are only for me. I have reached a point where that seems to have manifested itself in physical pain, perhaps because so far nothing else has made me listen.
I’ve therefore set out to reward myself for actions that make me feel fulfilled and rewarded, and for things that demonstrate caring for myself. I recognize that I sometimes lack the internal feeling of care I should have, and my strategy is to go through the motions so that I can kick-start the real thing. Have you ever had to start a car by rolling it down the hill? It will be sort of like that, except I’m parked at the bottom of the hill. To be more realistic, maybe just at the top of a lowish sort of hill.
I will tend to look for ways to game the system, even though I created it. To the end of thwarting my own sabotage and rendering the abstract concrete, I’ve established some ground rules. I begin with a specific plan to reward myself for the things that feed my soul at the moment, with some conditions:
- Knitting
- Does not count if I find myself churning through a project just to get it done. Then it has become work.
- Regular exercise
- This is a hard one, because it does not feel pleasurable unless it is attaining some goal other than maintenance of my own health, like planting asparagus. Perhaps that makes it most important of all.
- Reading
- Does not count if it is research for work.
- Painting, drawing, other crafts
- Walking or other exercise
- Quiet time outdoors
- Listening to music
For right now, this is only the beginning of what I imagine (and hope) will be a long list. May the list of things that bring me joy grow longer than the those that bring me worry.
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